Is it really you?
by minecraftbookworm
Summary: Things of the past can be hidden. But for how long? What happens when you remember what you really shouldn't? What will happen when Kaneki finds out that those warm brown eyes have turned cold? [DISCONTINUED]
1. Chapter 1

" _Indeed… It's either die or disappear- To defeat him, the power needed is way too much"_ Haise thought to himself as his torso is pierced by the SS rate ghoul's kagune. " _If I asked_ _ **his**_ _help, I will disappear-"_ Haise's thoughts were interrupted by a cold voice enacting behind him- a voice that he knew all too well. " _Haise… please look at me…_ _ **call my name**_ " he said as he sat on his rickety wooden chair, chains dangling from his ankles and wrists, which appeared to be bound behind him with the chains and manacles.

Haise looked around as he was pulled into his subconscious, mostly out of pain, and mostly out of another thing that he couldn't quite put his finger on. He could feel fingers tugging at the fabric of his torn pants and soon at the hem of his undershirt. He looked down expecting to see the white-haired menace, but saw two figures instead. One was a stocky blond haired man with wide eyes, which were the only things he could see through his mask that resembled something from a horror movie he'd seen once. The other one had dark lavender hair and red-rimmed glasses. She wore a terrifying grin full of malice, but her eyes only showed lust.

" _No!"_ Haise thought as he struggled to free himself " _I have to get out of this_ _ **Alive**_ _! I still have the quinx! And what about Akira and Arima!"_ Just as Haise pulled his arms free, the two people vanished, leaving him breathless and panting. " _W-What the hell?!"_ Haise thought furiously, and looked up at the man in the chair, expecting to see a mop of white, only to meet midnight-black hair and gunmetal-grey eyes-which shone with fear.

" _No!"_ the black haired boy screamed. " _Please! Stop!"_ at this point, the blond man from before was standing behind the boy and his wide eyes-Which looked like a crack addict's-and they were full of malice and glee. He held a red centipede and asked " _What's 1000-7?"_ as it crawled towards to the boy. An earsplitting scream pierced the stagnant air that made Haise cringe in sympathy. He managed to choke out " _993"._ How could someone sleep at night knowing that they do this to people for _pleasure?!_ Just then the lavender haired girl appeared at the boy's other shoulder.

" _Tsk. Rather be the person who hurts others, become the person being hurt. Look at where that got you, Ken. Your mother dearest must've taught you nothing."_ She said in a sickly sweet tone. Haise had had enough, he looked away from the struggling 'Ken' and then was faced with his old friend, his forever tormentor, the little white haired menace whispering sweet nothings into his ears.

Just this time, he was different. This time, he resembled the boy from before, Ken. This time, his face revealed tired looking grey eyes, something that Haise saw almost everyday in the mirror. There was not a sign of malice or the frost that permeated his words and the resentment that casually dripped off of his sentences. This time, it was full of hopelessness, like he didn't care anymore.

" _Please, Haise, I just want to go home. I want to come back. I want to see them again,"_ he said, almost pleadingly. " _I know you don't want to leave, but I don't want to disappear."_ All Haise could do was stand there speechless. But of course the painful memories that come with their little chats came flashing in front of his vision. But this time, they were happy- except for the last one. That one hurt the most. Most of them were of a bleach-blond guy that he'd seen in his dreams once or twice, just this time, he had a face. A soft splash of freckles*, which were barely noticeable, over the bridge of his nose, and warm brown eyes that when Haise stared into them, he felt the most at home and the soundest he'd been in… well, years-Or so it seemed.

The first one was of him and the blond in a coffee shop, which resembled Re: in a sense, just on a smaller scale. Looking over, he saw the blue haired waitress who worked at the said coffee shop. It was a busy hour at the cafe and it was packed with people. Haise looked down at his drink and picked up the cup by the handle and brought it to his lips.

"So!" The bleach blond from before leaned in close and asked "Who's that date you told me about? Is it her?" He asked gesturing over to the bluenette taking orders for the other customers. Haise looked over at the blond ridiculously, like he would ever date her. Miss. Kirishima was beautiful but Haise would never ask her out. She was too beautiful, and slightly intimidating.

Then the scene changed yet again. This time Haise was in what appeared to be the sewers, god knew how many times the investigations had led him there. This time he felt pain in his lower torso, just enough agony to make him think that he was back in real life.

Until he saw those warm brown eyes.

" _Yo Kaneki"_ Hide said walking up in the standard CCG battle suit. Haise's head began to throb again. Hide continued.

" _...What's with the getup? That in style these days?"_ Haise continued to struggle. His mind beginning to feel like it was being torn apart from the inside. What is his name?! He had a face… what about a name?!

" _Woah, ain't that something…"_ the blond continued walking closer to Haise's kneeling form. " _Special make-up that'd shock even hollywood."_ Just then, the blond's face took upon a somber expression and he spoke again in a darker tone than the joking one from before.

" _...All this time you had to suffer like this…"_ The blond kept going, uttering words that struck hard.

" _You won't need it anymore, The mask."_ Just as Haise was about to tell the blond that he was, in fact, not wearing one the blond looked up and he felt a hand on his shoulder.

" _I Already knew man! Who cares about that? Let's just go home!"_ just as the blond finished uttering those final words, Haise began to feel a skull-shattering pain in his head. Memories began to flash in front of his eyes, some good, most bad, terrifying even. Then, like puzzle pieces, Haise put his whole life together. The blond was Hide. He knew Touka. Arima had 'killed' him two years ago and brought him to the CCG as Haise Sasaki.

And most importantly…

His real name was Ken Kaneki.

" _So do you finally remember?"_ Ken said from behind him. Actually, _His_ mirror reflection. The one part of his past that he really wasn't proud of. At all. Haise** gave a small nod and Ken stood, now free from his bonds. His face had now taken up the features of two people. The two forms of himself. The light on the left side, black hair and kind smile. The dark on the right, snow white hair and a somber look on his face.

" _Are you ready, Haise?"_ The two asked in unison. Haise walked toward them and gave both them a strong embrace.

" _Please take care of everyone… And please don't feel hatred towards Arima. He was only acting on orders… Please try to be happy."_ Haise closed his eyes and sighed contentedly, knowing he can finally rest.

" _And, my name isn't Haise… Its Kaneki."_ And with that, everything faded to white.


	2. Chapter 2

Pain. That was the first thing that Kaneki felt as he was released from the weak bonds of his subconscious. He looked down to see blood soaking his shirt. He was dizzy enough from blood loss he actually thought he was going to die for real this time. Kaneki began to get up, ignoring the slowly closing wound in his torso. He would have to eat soon.

"Oh," the ghoul in front of Kaneki said, disappointment lacing his words. "I thought you were dead..." Then a cruel smirk took over his features. Before Kaneki could act, the ghoul's kagune began to surge toward him.

"Why don't you learn to stay down like a good dog?!" He yelled. Kaneki could barely get out of the way of the kagune. What his next move was going to be was probably not going to be his smartest, but he didn't really have much of a choice. Taking a running start Kaneki made an advancement towards the ghoul, dodging the kagune surging towards him. His breath had become labored and harder with each step, but he kept moving. Kaneki finally got close to the ghoul and did the only natural thing.

Blood exploded into his mouth as he took a chunk out of the ghoul's shoulder. He could barely hear the ghoul's disgruntled moan of pain. Wiping the blood from his mouth Kaneki stepped back.

"That tasted worse than rotting fish..." He said. Then, a splitting pain formed base of his spine then began to move up and finally ended at his shoulders. Kaneki could feel the kagune begin to form but this time, that sensation was different. By the time it finished forming, his mind was in a jumble, Kaneki figured it would be harder this time to keep his sanity intact. Cracking a finger Kaneki looked up at the ghoul, Kakuja mask covering half of his face.

 _"What's 1000 minus 7?"_

Shirazu POV

"Holy shit, I thought I had become miss Shirako for a second there..." Shirazu muttered under his breath as he rolled away from Nuts. Shirazu couldn't help but begin to worry about Sasaki at that moment. Aogiri would be tough to beat, what with all the forces battling head to head with the CCG they were going to be outnumbered... And fast. Shirazu looked up once more to see that Nuts had been pierced by a quinque. Her shrill scream burst through the air and the blade of the quinque retracted.

She was smart enough at that moment to get away, revealing a new investigator that Shirazu hadn't seen at the beginning of the raid. He had a mop of brown hair cleanly pulled back into a small ponytail and cold, calculating brown eyes. He looked pretty young, maybe not even much older than himself, maybe even Sassan's age.

 _"Any and all available officers report to the administration building*"_ Shirazu heard from his earpiece, looking over at Saiko he asked "Wait, wasn't that where Sassan was with the SS rate ghoul?" Saiko gave a grave nod and the new investigator spoke.

"Rank 3 Shirazu, Yonebayashi, follow me." Shirazu and Saiko gave the investigator an incredulous look. The investigator gave a slight smirk.

"Forgive me, I forgot to introduce myself. I am rank 1 Hideyoshi Washuu." Shirazu's eyes widened at that. _Washuu?!_ He thought _I never knew Yoshtoki had another kid... Well, I didn't know he had one in the first place so..._

Shirazu gave Saiko a small glance and they followed the already advancing investigator.

Kaneki POV.

"So... How should I kill you?" That was the only intelligible sentence to come from Kaneki's mouth at that moment. The other ghoul's features showed apathy, but that only masked the pain that threatened to take over his face. Giving a smirk of a madman, Kaneki began to advance to the ghoul, kagune whirling around to pierce the ghoul in several places. All the other ghoul could do was keep blocking, but that was easier said than done. Going faster than any normal person could register, Kaneki brought his kagune around to stab the SS rate ghoul in the torso. Repeatedly.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna-" the ghoul said as finally, he coughed up the last of his blood and as his internal organs left his body, and splattered on the ground. It looked like... Well, jam**. As he the ghoul took his last rattling breath Kaneki began to come down on him... Or what was left of him.

Shirazu POV.

Seeing Sassan on the remains of the SS rate ghoul was enough to upturn his stomach, but the kagune sprouting from his back was enough to make Shirazu cringe. It looked painful, with the twin appendages which resembled centipedes, looking completely different from his other kagune, which resembled tentacles more or less. But his face unsettled Shirazu the most. Half covered, his normal eye only showing his white sclera, and the kakugan eye shining brightly on the other half of his face.

Sasaki gave a cruel smirk and began to laugh like a madman. Shirazu looked over at Saiko, who looked terrified most out of the investigators who had arrived.

"W-what happened to him?" She asked, voice quivering in fear, also voicing one of the many questions that Shirazu had floating through his mind at the moment.

"I'm afraid that rank 1 Sasaki has become a kakuja," Washuu said confidently. But upon the terrified looks of Shirazu and Saiko, he added: "But only for the time being... Though I really can't say anything for his mental state..."

Only moments after the investigator had said that, one of the centipede-like tendrils shot toward the group. Had it not been for Washuu, Shirazu and Saiko would've been killed right then and there.

"I'd watch out if I were you," he said. After that first attack, a whole armada of attacks began to rain down on the few investigators. Shirazu began to use his kagune for what it was meant for, but that was hardly enough.

"Maman!" Shirazu heard Saiko call out. He was pretty sure that wouldn't work, but he tried it anyways, shouting for him to snap out of it. But that just wasn't enough. Shirazu could barely focus on getting away from the rampaging kakuja. Actually, that was the only real thing that he'd paid any attention to in the academy. A gurgling scream cut through the air and he saw Saiko being pierced by Sasaki. That. That was enough to make him just about go ballistic. A hand outstretching before his chest was the only thing that prevented Shirazu from giving Sasaki all he had. But this wasn't Sasaki. He would've never hurt any of the squad. Not even once. This wasn't him- and Shirazu was ready to kick his ass for it.

"You might want to stay back." Washuu said as he stepped forward toward Sasaki. For a moment, Shirazu caught a flash of pain in his apathetic eyes, almost a bit of sadness, also.

"Rank one Sasaki!" Washuu said. The guy was an idiot. Shirazu had also tried reminding Sassan of his rank too, and that had worked out sooo wonderfully. Meanwhile, that hadn't taken any effect whatsoever. Sasaki had kept on with his insane mutterings about numbers… and for some reason: Centipedes. Washuu kept on doing that several more times, attempting to get closer, jabbing at the kagune with his blade-like quinque whenever it got too close. Finally, Washuu seemed to get fed up with the unresponsiveness of Sasaki.

"KANEKI!" He yelled at him and Sasaki turned around to face him. Recognition passed over his features and Shirazu could see tears form at the corner of one of Sasaki's eyes. They began to stream down his face as the investigator. Then a look of betrayal overcame his features as Washuu shot RC suppressants into his chest.

"Sleep for a little bit, Sasaki," Washuu said as Sasaki's kagune began to dissipate, as well as the mask covering part of his face. Then, before Sasaki succumbed to the suppressants he spoke one word. And that one word was filled with warmth and familiarity.

" _Hide."_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thank you to everyone who decided to take a little looksie at my Fanfic and comment! Lots of people on AO3 have been wondering what Washuu! Hide is going to be like and I said I would deliver this chapter! Also, I would like to thank everyone who is following this for being so patient, it takes a while to write this out :') so get ready for the feels!**

"As of now the fate of Rank One Haise Sasaki will be decided," Yoshitoki said as the meeting began on Kaneki's behalf. Hide knew that Kaneki would be offed after this screw-up. He was sure of it. Hide really didn't understand why he had to be there other than the fact he had been the one who had momentarily put Kaneki down-especially if he was going to be killed. The turnout for the meeting was small enough, Akira and Arima, both whom had mentored 'Sasaki', Yonebayashi and Shirazu had shown up and Hide had to admit; he applauded Yonebayashi's exemplary healing abilities, considering how horrible her injury had been. Only half listening, Hide's thoughts slowly drifted off to the conversation he'd had with his father earlier that morning.

 _Hide entered his father's office quietly, closing the door slowly behind him. He took a deep breath and spoke with a stern voice._

" _Rank 1 Hideyoshi Washuu reporting. I heard you wanted to speak with me sir." Yoshtoki looked behind him, and gave Hide a soft smile._

" _You don't have to be so formal with me," He said. "I am your father after all." Yoshtoki sat down at his desk and motioned for Hide to sit down in one of the chairs near his desk. Hide approached his desk but remained standing, apathy shining in his mocha eyes._

" _Fine, suit yourself," Yoshtoki sighed. "The reason why I requested you here is to speak to you about the fate of Rank 1 Sasaki." Hide stiffened slightly. He figured that was the reason but it still chilled his blood._

" _There will be a conference later this morning, but I have already made my decision and I am confident of it," Yoshtoki continued. Hide winced ever so slightly. So his fate was already decided then._

" _And the verdict is?" Hide asked his father, not even a tremor in his voice giving away the utter fear in he felt-which had been replaced by bitterness over the years for several reasons._

" _He will be monitored to ensure that nobody else is harmed," Yoshtoki answered. Hide's apathetic mask broke for about 0.2 seconds showing utter shock, but was quickly replaced back again. Well, Hide could never say that his father wasn't a merciless man._

" _And who will that assignment go to?" Hide asked, his apathetic stare not faltering for even a second. Yoshtoki gave one of his incredibly rare smirks and Hide knew something was up. Probably._

" _That," Yoshtoki replied. "Would be you." Hide fought back the urge to yell at his father, mostly out of bitterness, and mostly out of white hot rage. He should just_ _Kill him now_ _and be_ _ **over with it**_ _. Hide barely managed to keep his composure._

" _And why don't you kill him now?" Hide said once he trusted himself to speak. "Rank one Sasaki is dangerous, after all." Yoshtoki looked at Hide with shock, which was replaced by his usual seriousness._

" _For one, Hideyoshi, Sasaki Haise hadn't claimed any lives while he was out of control, and in everyone's accounts of the incident-even yours-he had some of his humanity intact," Yoshtoki said. "And second of all, no matter how much you deny it today, you care deeply for him." Hide gave his best look of anger at his father and turned to leave. Just as he was about to close the door behind him, he turned back and said:_

" _I've learned not to care about him anymore. Now all I am is thoroughly pissed at that idiot, and nothing can change that."_

Hide was dragged from his thoughts by Shirazu exclaiming something about not killing Sasaki. Someone (probably Arima or Akira) probably suggested to kill him. They were probably correct on that statement, not that Hide was going to voice that opinion out loud. Actually, as Hide listened more into the conversation, he began to respect his respect they held for their mentor.

"You can't just kill him! I understand that most of the investigators were injured, but no one was killed! You can't kill him for that!" Shirazu exclaimed. Hide bit back a comeback pointing out that it probably mean that people would be safer if he was gone. Or at least a bit more, anyways.

"Actually, if, in the possibility we do kill Rank 1 Sasaki, it would be for the better, we would be getting rid of a highly dangerous ghoul." Akira said, looking around at the investigators present. For the first time since the conference started, Yonebayashi spoke.

"'For the better?!'" She said. "Is all you people care about is killing ghouls?! I mean, I'm an investigator too, but have you given one thought about him?! He is probably the most caring person you could meet! He wouldn't hurt anyone in this room intentionally, and not for one moment would he ever consider it! He lost _control_! He didn't even know what he was doing because by the time anyone got there, he had lost half of his mind! Please, would you just consider-" Hide cut her off, harshly at that.

"Of course, Yonebayashi, you have a very fair point. Rank one Sasaki was not aware of his actions at the time, but what if this happens again. What if, say, he was aware of what he was doing and didn't even flinch? Then what would you do?" _What are you doing Hide? Why are you saying these things?_ A little voice said in the back of his mind. "We are investigators for a reason." Hide continued. "We can't just turn a blind eye to potentially dangerous ghouls. Honestly, if it were me and he had killed someone, I would have him dead on the spot." Hide finished. He could feel the strange looks from Akira at the other end of the table. He looked over at Shirazu who looked like he was ready to leap over the table and smash his face in.

"Right," Yoshtoki broke in. "Now the only reason I asked all of you here was to consider your ideas and propose my final actions. I have decided to keep Rank 1 Sasaki monitored and for him to continue mentoring the quinx. Rank 1 Washuu will monitor him." Yoshtoki said with finality. Yonebayashi and Shirazu looked gratefully at Yoshtoki, while Akira and Arima just looked at him in surprise-of course they had both been very supportive of killing Sasaki.

Kaneki slowly began to drift into consciousness. His mind was foggy and his eyes could barely stay open. He was faintly aware of where he was at. What with looking at the drab gray-white walls and the faint beeping of a heart monitor, it kind of gave everything away. As the fog cleared from his mind he began to remember some of the events during the auction.

He was faintly aware of the restraints on his arms, legs, and torso attaching him to the bed. Kaneki didn't even bother struggling. He knew he was going to die today. Getting a feel for his surroundings some more, Kaneki could see that if he was going to die here, it would be rather boring. Well, the first time he'd died it had been very exciting.

A soft click of the door opening brought him out of his thoughts. Kaneki craned his neck as best he could to look at the intruder, not that he really cared who it was, honestly.

"I would've thought it would be a more tearful reunion but I guess you might be better than that, hm, Kaneki?" A cold voice said. Kaneki craned his neck again further in hopes to get a better look at whoever it was. Kaneki's heart stopped as he took in the tan skin, freckles, and hair that he knew so well. The person could've passed as Hide any day, but Kaneki wasn't fooled. That voice was too bitter, too cruel, and those eyes were too dark, too cold.

"Well, then you must've seen the irony of that statement," He said, smiling sardonically, then a somber expression came across his eyes. "So what's the verdict?" Kaneki asked staring back at the ceiling again. He could feel Hide's mock confusion roll off him in waves. Kaneki could hear Hide's shoes clack softly across the linoleum hospital floor, and none too quickly the brunette was staring into his eyes. Gray on brown.

"Well, I hope you're not too keen on dying again," Hide said finally, giving up on the fake cluelessness. _Damn,_ Kaneki thought sarcastically, _I wanted to be dead the first time!_

"I've been put up with the task of monitoring you to make sure another… _incident_ doesn't happen again." Hide continued. "If you do so happen to fuck up again, I'll be forced to kill you. I hope you understand that."

"Of course I do," _I'm not stupid._ "Hide, about-" Kaneki began. Hide shook his head and discreetly pointed to the cameras positioned to watch him. The look in Hide's eyes gave off his message loud and clear: _We'll talk about that somewhere more private._ Kaneki gave a small nod. Hide began to take off his restraints.

"The quinx want to talk to you after I'm finished, you are being released today anyhow, and they're going to ask alot of questions they shouldn't be asking." He said.

"I won't answer if I don't deem it necessary." Kaneki replied, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking the IV out of his arm. Standing up, Kaneki made his way to the door. Before he could open it, he was stopped by Hide.

"One more thing," Hide asked tentatively. "Do you remember? Or are you still Haise? What I said earlier was a test. I wanted to see- I wanted to know if you remembered." _I wanted to see if you were still my best friend in there._ The message was loud and clear.

"If I wasn't Kaneki, then wouldn't I be confused to as why you're calling me by that name?" He said, opening the door. Hide's face took on a sarcastic smile.

"Also, Urie? Yeah, can you yell at him for me? He barely made it out alive, nonetheless with Mutsuki alive as well. You know what to do." Hide said. Kaneki nodded and headed out to go back home, to see the quinx, and a new seething anger boiling within him. Oh was he pissed.

 **A/N: I really am not satisfied with how this chapter turned out, but I hope you like the Kaneki/Hide interaction. I figured that Hide would have a more serious** **demeanor because of all that had happened in the past, with Kaneki and the fact he excepted that he was a Washuu. Anyone could see that Hide would be angry and bitter, but also overjoyed and relieved, too. Welp, I'm not going to be merciful to Urie next chapter, so get ready for the Urie verbal abuse (Lol not really but whatevah). Thank you for reading, and don't be shy about commenting/reviewing! Constructive criticism is appreciated! (But please don't be mean about it! :') I worked hard on this)**


	4. Chapter 4

Saiko was having a bad, to say the least. No, it wasn't just a 'bad' day, it was one of those that would make your hair gray from stress. It was one of those days that she would rather spend playing Final Fantasy and watching some anime to soothe her. But no, she had to be there for the decision of Sasaki's fate. That was one of those things that she could not, under any circumstances, miss. Saiko couldn't even put it into words how relieved she was to hear that Yoshitoki was so merciful.

But the other thing that was currently bothering Saiko was the two boneheads in the room: Shirazu and Urie. The tension was so thick she swore she could cut it with a knife, no scratch that, a quinque. Saiko almost mistook it for sexual tension as she stepped in with Mutsuki, whom she had collected from the hospital that morning after the meeting. Both men were yelling at each other (Well more or less Shirazu but whatever).

"You shouldn't have been so reckless!" Shirazu yelled furiously. Saiko almost spoke up. Way for the kettle to call the pot black, Saiko had seen plenty of times Shirazu do lots of reckless (and stupid) things, but you didn't hear that from her.

Half an hour later, a soft click of the door aroused her from her silent ponderings while sitting at the bar. Swiveling around on her seat, Saiko was greeted by the sight of Sasaki, with a stern look in his eyes-which softened the slightest when he caught sight of her. Looking into his eyes made her think of the sadistic look in his eyes when- _No!_ She thought, _Don't think of the past! This is now! Forget that! He's_ _ **Alive**_ _!_

"Maman," Saiko said standing up to greet her superior. Boy, was she glad to see him again. Tentatively, she took a step towards him, he closed the distance and engulfed her in a hug, warm and strong, just like family. Just this time, she felt like it was more of a brotherly embrace than the usual fatherly one. Saiko stepped away and Sasaki made his way over to where Shirazu was currently yelling at Urie (Who, as per usual, ignoring every word he said). As Sasaki entered the room fully, Shirazu stopped his ranting like an 'off' switch had been flipped.

"Sassan…" Shirazu said absentmindedly, like he didn't know what else to say. There really wasn't much to say either.

"Sassan, Listen," Shirazu said, then a murderous glint shone in his eyes. So Shirazu had been waiting for Sasaki's permission to kill Urie. How lovely. "You don't mind if I-" Sasaki held up a hand.

"Shirazu, nobody will be murdered in this house tonight," He said. _Unfortunately_ Saiko heard him say underneath his breath and a shiver ran down her spine. _Nice knowing you, Urie,_ Saiko thought, _Even though you were a complete asshole the entire time I knew you._

"What were you thinking, Urie?" Sasaki asked, turning to Urie, who was trying (and failing) to feign innocence. When Sasaki got no response, he asked again, more forceful this time.

"What were you thinking putting your comrades in danger Urie? I know I taught you better." Urie's usual apathetic mask broke.

"I just wanted-" he began, then Sasaki interrupted him.

"To what? To get stronger? To be promoted? Someone almost _died_ , Urie. Something that _insignificant_ shouldn't mean you endanger your comrades." Urie's eyes showed anger and ice dripped off his words.

"I don't _give a damn_ what happens! They don't matter-" _Crack!_ The sickening sound of flesh striking flesh. Everyone's eyes widened slightly. Sasaki was never physical with his lectures. His short time as a Kakuja must've changed him. His eyes showed only anger and bitterness, and… regret? No, that can't be right.

"'You don't care'?" Sasaki asked, deadly edge to his words. "I'm sorry, but you can't just _not care!_ If you want strength, _don't get it at the expense of other people's_ _ **Lives!**_ " Sasaki yelled. Urie looked away in shame, a handprint from where Sasaki had struck him showed bright red on his face. They both looked pissed, but Saiko wasn't sure who was angrier. She had never seen Sasaki so… so pissed before. Usually when he reprimanded Urie, it was more like a reproachful father rather than… this.

"Urie," Sasaki said again, and everyone cringed, anticipating another furious lecture from Sasaki. "Strength isn't a bad thing to have, but don't be an egotistical bastard with it. You make mistakes, and sometimes, those mistakes cost lives, understood?" Urie's apathetic look came back to his features, and he nodded, walking out the door. Nobody made a move to stop him. Sasaki turned to Mutsuki, who blanched. A small smile played upon the latter's lips.

"Forgive the outburst earlier," He said. That was when the questions began.

It was overwhelming to see the quinx again, Kaneki thought. Okay, not the best impression to violently reprimand one of the team, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Urie reminded Kaneki too much of him, maybe that was why when he was Haise that he wanted to save him from making the same mistakes he'd made. There was such a thing as too much strength, and Kaneki knew it all too well.

"Sassan!" Shirazu said. "Who finally let you out of the hospital?" he asked. Shit… well, might as well explain the situation.

"Rank 1 Washuu," Kaneki said, heading to the kitchen to make coffee. When he mentioned Hide, Shirazu's eyes visibly darkened.

"The one who opted for you to be put down?" He said darkly and Kaneki nodded solemnly. Mutsuki looked horrified. Speaking of which…

"Mutsuki, I heard you were injured," Kaneki said. He nodded quietly.

"Forget that!" Shirazu interjected. "How the hell did you become a _Kakuja?!_ " Again, Mutsuki blanched, whiter than a bedsheet. Kaneki finished pouring himself a cup of coffee and spoke softly.

" _One will go to great lengths to become stronger,"_

 **A/N Holy shit, chapter 4, guys! Actually, I typed this all in one night! I was so excited to get this up! Anyways, I'm not too satisfied with this… but that's just me. Do you think Urie got enough abuse? Who should I verbally abuse next chapter? Also, I want to know how I did with the 3rd person POVs, since I usually write in 1st person POV most of the time anyways. Constructive criticism is valued, but please be nice about it! Anyways, good night everyone, and thank you for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Oh my god, I'm too good to you people. First it was chapter four LAST night then chapter five tonight (Actually, I was REALLY excited to get this up so I was fast and typed it up! Thank you everyone for your support, it means alot to me and I'm glad that you enjoy reading this fic! So get ready for the feels train (choo choo!) and now I present you, chapter 5**

As Hide watched Kaneki stride quickly out of his hospital room he began to pray for Urie's sake. Sure, from what he remembered, a pissed off Kaneki meant lots of pathetic yelling and nothing getting accomplished. Now a pissed of Haise/Kaneki would probably mean trouble. Tightening his ponytail, Hide also exited the room and right out the front doors. Today was not a day he would visit Shinohara. Not now. Too many memories.

Hide couldn't help but feel a bit depressed, but that was mostly his moods now. Either apathy, anger, or depression. Usually he blamed it on the training in Germany, well the apathy, at least. He blamed Kaneki for being the central cause to his anger. They would have to sit down and talk one day, but Hide knew things between them wouldn't be the same, he was sure of it. But he was always confused when the depression rolled around and clouded his mind. Hide had battled depression when he was younger around the time his mother died, but it wasn't so heart-wrenching as it was today.

 _I don't have time for this!_ He thought. _Well, I got some paperwork… might as well head home._ Hide made his way about the sidewalks and people out there. The sky was overcast and gray. It had begun to drizzle. Just to match his mood. Fantastic.

Hide wriggled his keys out from the lock and opened the door to his apartment. Setting them on the counter and hanging his trench coat on a chair, he made a move to enter his office, then he glanced at the clock and groaned. _6:45_ **(A/N To go in chronological order with last chapter, Kaneki got out of the hospital at around 6:30, and right now he was verbally abusing Urie).** _Is it necessary to pull an all nighter?_ Hide thought to himself _Do I want to pull an all nighter?_ Deciding it could wait, hide headed into the bathroom to freshen up. Looking into the mirror, he could see that the mask had come off. And boy did he look tired. After the quick glance he looked down at the sink and became fixated on that one point.

It was one of those times that Hide couldn't deny it, and it was those times that he was scared. It was those times when he had to admit, he hadn't plunged further into his depression without a cause. And that cause was him thinking that his best friend was dead. It was that time that he was scared, that he would relapse again and just keep getting in deeper than he already was.

Taking a deep breath, Hide held onto the sides of the counter-so tight his knuckles had turned white. He stared back up at the mirror to get a better look at himself. His face said it all. He had bags underneath his eyes, and all in all: He looked defeated. Hide finally had to admit it, seeing Kaneki again wasn't as easy as he originally thought it had been. Sure, he hadn't faked the anger, he really was pissed at Kaneki. Hide had pushed his feelings of relief down and replaced it with anger.

Instead of filling the crack, he had dug himself deeper.

With shaky hands, Hide opened a drawer to his right, and took out a pair of scissors. Taking hold of his ponytail, he began to snip at the extra hair. Why did he even keep it in the first place? It didn't even have any significance whatsoever to him! Thinking back on it quickly, Hide came to the conclusion that he wanted to be different from the other Hide. That's why he stopped dying his hair and kept the natural brown. That's why he acted so cold to everyone. He didn't want to be _that_ person from before, the one who _cared too much and got hurt the most._

Cutting through the final strands of hair, Hide let the no longer attached pony tail fall to the floor. Setting the scissors on the counter Hide looked up to see that the hair that had been pulled back, bangs and all, had falled down and added to his tired look. Hide didn't move at all, even though he should probably get his depression meds and take them to prevent a relapse, he just stared, and thought about everything. Finally, tears made their way down his cheeks and Hide made no effort to wipe them away.

Finally, Hide backed away to the wall and slid down resting his head on his knees and weeping softly, only thinking about how pathetic he was for doing so.

"Rank 1 Na- Washuu," Akira said loudly as she knocked loudly on the door. She knew he was home. Actually, the only reason why she had come there was because she wanted answers. While he was in the hospital, the doctor there had done a mental evaluation on Sasaki, and it showed results of him remembering. Akira was curious about who Sasaki had been before his… untimely demise 2 years before. Of course, Sasaki hadn't been the most mentally stable person in the world, but that didn't matter at the moment. Hideyoshi hadn't answered, which was fine, but also troubling.

Of course, Akira had no reason to worry. He was probably asleep, yes, that's it. It was after all 8:52, and an investigator would jump at any chance to sleep so…

Pushing down her nagging suspicion and worry, Akira turned around and left for home, knowing if she interrupted his precious sleep it wouldn't be the smartest thing she'd done all week. Besides, she had to feed Maris Stella.

Hide slowly pulled himself from against the wall and left the bathroom. Slowly walking down the hallway, he entered his room and lay on the bed. Even after that episode earlier, he didn't feel better. Well, at least he wasn't one to commit bodily harm.

Laying on his back, Hide realized he was still wearing his suit, jacket taken off of course. Dragging himself from the bed, he changed into a pair of sweats and a white shirt. Then Hide lay back onto the bed, curling into the fetal position and staring off into space.

Hide wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but it sure felt better there in his dreams than in reality.

 **A/N, so How do you guys like Depressed! Hide? Yes, I know, lots of personality changes and headcannons from moa, but I promise you, honestly, this is how Hide would be, am I correct? I'll get more in depth later, trust me! Anyways, thanks for reading, and stay tuned for next chapter! (Also, how did I do as far as writing Akira?)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N OH MY GOSH GUYS! IT IS HERE! I am sooo sooo sorry that I didn't get this up sooner, but I have it now! Sadly, I was experiencing Writer's block (And I was like "How am I going to continue this?") so yay, fun! (Not really!) So I hope you guys like this!**

" _The measure of love is to love without measure"_

-attributed to Saint Augustine

The sunlight seemed to be a little too bright that morning for Hide's preference. The little rays that tickled his face and danced behind his eyelids seemed a little too happy for his dismal mood. Groaning, he glanced at his alarm clock, which read 7:00. Ok, so he wasn't late. Rolling over, Hide lay there with his thoughts, and contemplating freeing himself from the clutches of the hot and sticky blankets. He could remember a time when he didn't have to will himself to get out of bed and go on with his morning. God, he could hardly remember ever _having to do that._

Hide ran a hand through his brown hair, then brought it down, stopping to play with one of the downy strands. He could remember when he had bleached the soft locks blond as a sunflower. _Ha_ he thought _I remember Kaneki had called me that once…_ Hide ran his hand through his hair and stopped short, then remembered the events of the past night in great detail. _Oh shit, I let it get to me._ Hide thought. _I'm probably lucky I didn't wake up in the hospital like last time when…._ his thoughts trailed off before he could finish that. He didn't want to anyways.

Finally Hide slowly dragged his body out of bed, and slowly made his way to the bathroom. The bathroom itself was a mess, to say the least. Even though Hide's recollection of the previous night was very hazy, the evidence left was enough to get a general idea.

For starters, there were brown locks of hair, where they had once hung down to his shoulders when it was down. Then he looked over to the floor, where the rugs were a bunched up mess and the towels were along with them. The scissors had somehow ended up on the floor at some point-probably during a time of indecision of whether to end it or not, and the glass of the mirror was cracked in the corner.

 _No blood that's good_

Hide picked up the scissors and put them back in their respective drawer and looked up into the mirror. _Holy shit_. He looked bad, and that could be named "Biggest understatement of the year". His hair was in knots from where he had fitfully slept and wound his fingers through it, and he had dark bags underneath his eyes. He looked so much like his father it was scary, but there were other ways that he resembled his mother.

His hardheadedness, his sense of humor, his freckled skin and creamy complexion that turned a golden bronze when he got out in the sun, and his eyes. His eyes were almost exact replicas of his mother's, with their creamy mocha color and how they sparkled with life. But that life was gone, they looked empty and dead. They had since he had gone to Germany. Hide began to wonder how things would've turned out had his mother had still been there. She would've been understanding. He wouldn't have hit rock bottom if she had been there during his teen years.

Pushing the thoughts of his mother out of his mind, Hide began to get ready quickly, then left his apartment briskly, hoping not to be late, his mind and heart weighing him down.

Kaneki began to silently praise his acting skills, because had they not been so good, he would've been gone by then. Sure, the quinx had given him suspicious looks that morning, along with the sideways glances at Urie, who had a large angry welt on his cheek. Everyone seemed to be avoiding his gaze, and had given Kaneki fearful looks. But then again, they had never seen their mentor angry, or so physical, someone who was so gentle.

Kaneki could understand their confusion, but he had played it off the best he could that morning, and they seemed convinced. But what was funny, and this wasn't something he had noticed before, was how much the quinx resembled people he knew.

Saiko seemed most like Hinami with her childish nature, calling him "Maman" as a familial reference, such as the girl had called him "big brother". Shirazu's feistiness reminded Kaneki of Touka, but it also showed how she had matured over the years when he thought of her at :Re.

Mitsuki and Urie, they had really acted most like how Kaneki had in the past, Mitsuki was him when he had clung to his humanity, Urie the power hungry ghoul who was really lonely in the end; the tragic hero. Ok, so maybe not so much gusto and theatrics, but still, it was quite sad so see.

The air was tense in the kitchen/bar area, and Kaneki could feel it. The tension was so thick he could probably cut it with a knife. So, to relieve the pressure, Kaneki left to gather his things then to head out to the office.

As he entered his bedroom, his phone began to ring. He answered, a little startled.

"Rank one Sasaki" he said.

"Sasaki, you don't need to be so formal, it's me," Kaneki heard Akira's airy voice float through into his ear. He really should've checked his caller ID.

"Sorry, Akira," He apologized. "I didn't see it was you." He heard her chuckle on the other end.

"That's alright," She said in a friendly tone. "So listen, I know this is sudden and all, but you're needed in Cochlea."

Kaneki's blood chilled at the thought of going to the ghoul detention center. Even in Sasaki's persona, he always got the heebee-jeebees whenever he went there. Of course, it was mandatory, that was where he was administered his RC suppressants.

"Alright," Kaneki said, keeping his voice from wavering. "And why is that? Do they need to test a new quinque?" He added jokingly. He heard Akira pause on the other line, then sigh.

"Actually, I should rephrase that," she said in an exasperated tone. "You and Rank 1 Washuu will be going to Cochlea to question an SS rate ghoul for the investigation we will be taking over and we had received word that that particular ghoul knows more than we do." Kaneki's shoulders slumped at the mention of Hide. So I guess he would be seeing more of his old friend.

"Alright, Akira," Kaneki replied after a few seconds pause.

"Also, I need you to come to HQ before you head out to Cochlea to pick up a bit of paperwork. It's not much, so you should be done with it by tomorrow, am I correct?" Akira asked in a sickly sweet tone. Kaneki inwardly groaned. From his time taking the backseat in things, he had some time to observe, and "A little paperwork" mean ALOT OF PAPERWORK.

"Okay, Akira, goodbye," Kaneki said and he heard the other line click. Lovely.

While going along the short walk, Hide let his mind wander. It wasn't often that he allowed that to happen, but he would rather think of other things besides the copious amounts of paperwork he would be doing that day and probably into the night.

Usually, when Hide let his mind wander, it usually took him to a happier memory, or a funny thing he had seen before, or a song that he loved. But this time, his mind went on the track of his past, and to a part he really would never be able to explore. But it went there anyways.

Hide's mother was a loving woman, a half mexican-half japanese who had grew up in Texas and had moved to the 1st ward just after she graduated High School. That was where she had met his father, and that was where she had died.

If you could picture a stereotypical latino woman you would be nowhere close. She had long brown/black hair that was mostly in a bun or braid, her eyes were what Hide had taken after her, but with a slight curve that gave away her asian heritage, and the skin tone that Hide had taken too

She always had disliked his name, and never liked how she had to name Hide that for her husband, but she never complained. Yoshitoki was barely, if not ever, home and when he was absent, she would always call him what she had wanted to name him: Leo.

" _Its meaning is courage, my little lion, remember that, and be strong."_ she had always said to him when he was sad or scared. She had always been there for him when he had nightmares, when he was sick, and when he needed a friend and there was none around.

Many would think that Hide's mother had died at the hands of a ghoul, being an investigator's wife and all, but actually, she had died of a tumor in her brain. She had died peacefully, with her family and with a smile on her face, and Hide could remember how she had called him Leo and how he had told that he loved her and-

Hide shook his head to clear it. _Not now,_ he thought, _I don't need to think about this right now._ Crossing the crosswalk, Hide made his way up to the massive CCG building looming in the early morning fog. Akira must love torturing him, or she just wanted to… augh Hide would never figure out Akira for the life of him. Hide couldn't worry about that at the moment, however. They had a ghoul to interrogate.

 **A/N Heh, another Cliffie! Trust me, it'll get better, I love you guys. So sad past + Depressed Hide + Precious childs= Angst**  
 **So Yea, more on Hide's mother later, I just wanted to give you guys the just of it! SO STAY TUNED FOR NEXT CHAPTER CUZ I MIGHT MAKE THIS INTERESTING!**

 **~3**


	7. Chapter 7

Akira Mado was not, in fact, having a good morning.

Actually, it wasn't that she was having a _bad_ morning, per say. It was more or less a bit infuriating. A ghoul showing up so close to the CCG, just in the next ward over, but given at least a SS rate right off the bat, maybe even a SSS rate. It was a ballsy move on the ghoul's part. But all that made out to be was alot of paperwork and a massive headache.

What Akira found about that particular ghoul was that, for starters, plain sadistic. The nutcracker had been bad as far as torturing her victims-but at least she hadn't have used her blood to write down her victim's graphic death _in great detail._ Another thing that piqued her interest in that particular ghoul was that she didn't eat her victims; she left their bodies to be found in the morning in some dark alleyway.

Of course, yet another thing added to her frustrations and anxieties was about Sasaki Haise. She had personally read those doctor's reports. Remembering enough to probably be coherent of his true self, and just enough to raise eyebrows.

That's exactly why she had gone to Washuu's apartment that night. She wanted-no- _needed_ answers. She wasn't too keen on killing a man she had gotten to know in those three short years that she had worked with him, even if he was a ghoul-half of one at that. Her father would have said differently, and the CCG's reports on his ghoul activities contradicted the man she knew, she wanted a personal opinion; and from someone who had known him best-when he was Ken Kaneki, a college student attending Kamii university.

That was yet another thing that puzzled Akira. She had read his public file, the missing person's report. Ken Kaneki was a walking example of a class A citizen. He even had black hair, not the other pallor which could be compared to snow. But Akira had also heard of Dr. Kanou's experiments, and how he had worked for Aogiri. _Still did,_ she reminded herself.

"Good morning, Akira," she heard a masculine tone emanate from behind her where she was at in her desk. Turning around, she caught sight of Sasaki. _Good God,_ She thought to herself whilst returning his greeting, _They really_ do _look similar._ She had seen many pictures of Ken Kaneki while going through his ghoul and public file. She had seen him while he had been during his innocent college boy days, then as he metamorphosed into that white haired monster that was known as Centipede. But she hadn't personally _known him_ god dammit! She had to find Washuu. And were they going to have a nice long chat.

"As soon as Na- Washuu gets here, I'll debrief you both on the ghoul," Akira said, cursing herself for stuttering. "But since you're already here, I may as well give you that paperwork I mentioned," She added with a smirk. Sasaki didn't even flinch, which was peculiar since he would've at least joked about her killing him with all of the paperwork she was giving him. He stayed silent and accepted the work with a nod, his posture uncomfortable. This wasn't like him. Every nerve was screaming for her to pull the alarm and finally erase him. But her gentle side was getting the best of her at the moment.

"Ah, sorry I'm late, Rank 1 Akira, Rank 1 Sasaki," Akira heard the voice of Washuu crawl closer to the both of them. "Did I miss anything?" His voice had seemed to lose its harshness and was replaced with a small warmth, which surprised Akira the most.

"No, actually, we were waiting for you so I can debrief the both of you two…" Akira started out smugly then trailed off when she caught sight of Washuu. For starters, his hair was something to not particularly be desired for someone of his status. It was choppy, like he had cut it on a whim with a pair of kitchen scissors. It reached just a bit further than his chin, framing his face*. Not as long as his ponytail, but it still could be put up in a minute one.

His face is what brought out that rare maternal instinct which she had buried ever since Takizawa, whom she had looked down on, but in more of a teasing sisterly way. He had dark circles that showed up, but just barely with his slightly tan complexion, which looked more like when you added cream to chai tea.

"Alright, Rank 1 Washuu," Akira began, holding out his paperwork, "Here's your work, and I will need a report as well as this completed by tomorrow, same for you Sasaki," She was careful to use the formalities with Washuu, as she remembered him harshly correcting her when not using his rank.

"Alright, as far as this ghoul goes," Akira began, debriefing the two investigators, "She is known best for working with The Storyteller, the ghoul we are investigating next. She is best known by her alias of 'The Bird**' and savagely killing her victims, going as far as dismembering them. She has also aided The Storyteller several times, also there being a rumor of them being related. The both of them were given a SS rating." The two nodded.

"Alright," Akira said. "You two better head out for Cochlea, you have a long drive ahead of you…"

The drive up to Cochlea was probably the most tense thing that Hide had sat through in his life. And he had sat through heated debates between his father and grandfather, which were no picnic in the first place.

Kaneki had sat tight lipped through the entire drive, only giving Hide quick glances and nothing more. Sure there was some distance between the two, but really this needed to be solved. And Hide had no way of doing that at the moment without digging himself a little deeper and widening the crack between the two.

Kaneki must've felt his uneasiness as well. But if he had then he said nothing of it. Hide put the car into park and opened his door, ready to get out of there.

Getting through security was partially a bitch, but Hide and Kaneki had made it. Going down the stomach dropping ride to the third floor should have given Hide some time to think, but in all honesty, he preferred to listen to the awkward silence rather than think that much.

Sitting in her chamber, the ghoul awaited patiently for interrogation.

 _Only give a little bit but give enough to stay alive until they rescue me_ she thought. _Ayato probably forgot about me… it's been 3 months._

Looking up hearing the muffled noise of the door open and close, she saw two investigators, older than she was of course. The taller of the two*** had two toned hair, black and white; while the other had dark brown hair and darker creamier skin.

"Well, well, well," She said with a sneer. "They keep sending in younger and younger investigators each time." She smirked.

"Just because you both are cute doesn't mean that I will tell you anything about Aogiri. Those idiots from before already asked." The shorter one glared at her while the two-toned haired one took a seat. The taller one sighed and motioned for the shorter one to sit down.

"Listen, we aren't here to ask about Aogiri," The shorty said blandly. "We're here to ask more about The Storyteller, your rumored sister." The brunette leaned in closer to the glass. "And you might not want to withhold information, Tori Akashi, You're not prolonging your lifespan here, you know."

"Oh, so you're resorting to threatening me," Tori said bitterly. Tori gave another glance to the other investigator.

"Alright I'll talk," She said coyly. "If, I can ask you both a few questions myself. Nothing of the investigation, I promise." The brunette sighed in annoyance, then muttered something in what sounded like spanish****.

"Okay, ask your questions. You get five." He said, exasperation lacing his words. Ooh this was going to be fun.

"Alright, what are your names?" Tori drawled. "You clearly know what mine is."

"I'm Hideyoshi Washuu," The brunette said. A Washuu! _Well then, better not push his buttons too much today._

"My name is Haise Sasaki." The other investigator said. I sighed then said: "Listen, I only had two questions to ask; your names, and this one is mostly directed to Sasaki." Tori gathered her memories to make sure her facts were straight.

"You're not really Haise Sasaki. You actually are Ken Kaneki, also known as Centipede and Eyepatch. You were all that Eto talked about," Tori said, hoping to get a reaction out of the guy. They said he'd gone amnesiac.

"Ehe… I have no idea who or what you're talking about," Sasaki replied, reaching his hand up to scratch his chin. Either this guy had some bad amnesia, was a _really good_ actor, or he was just that ignorant.

"Okay, my mistake," Tori said, playing his answer off. "So what do you two idiots want to know?" Hideyoshi glared at her, and then spoke.

"Who exactly _is_ the Storyteller ghoul?" he asked.

"Oops, sorry, that's confidential. Prisoner's Dilemma, ever hear of it? Either you rat out on your buddy, your buddy rats out on you, or neither say anything. I'm not a traitor." Tori replied with a sharp tongue.

"But, I can tell you where she most likely will be," She said.

"We already know, she's in the closer wards, the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and maybe 1st." Hideyoshi said.

"Actually, her being in the next ward over bullshit, she doesn't lurk around there. In all reality, she likes to go to the 16th, 14th, 20th, and occasionally the 11th ward," Tori said studying the two investigators who were both writing down every word she had said. _Sorry, Sis,_ Tori thought, _But I gotta live too. No skin off my ass about it._

 **A/N Omg I got it up guys! Sorry for such the long wait, but procrastinating will be the eventual death of me... ehe =w=**

 ***Not so much his post-aogiri haircut**

 ****Such creativeness with my naming, I know**

 *****I have this headcannon that Sasaki is actually taller than hide post time-skip n stuff**

 ******His mother was latino, I think he would've picked up on just a bit of spanish, maybe become fluent enough to speak and understand it, idk, it's crazy, I know**


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